Today my husband's nephew called to find out if he could stay with us "for a while" while he searches for a room to rent. He lives 60 miles from here and is going to be attending a nearby community college with plans to transfer to a local university after completing the prerequisite courses.
Now Nephew#1 is a really nice young man who is in his early 20's. He was only 3 years old when his dad was killed in a car accident and, through the years, he has been a really responsible kid helping my sister-in-law whenever he could. After spending a few years after high school trying to decide what to do with his life, it seems he is finally ready to make a commitment to school.
So now he wants to come stay with us. I know he says it's only until he finds a room to rent but I'm worried about a few days turning into a few weeks turning into a much longer time. He's having trouble finding a room now and how is it going to get easier if he's taking classes in school and working at the restaurant job he told us he's found?
And then there's the whole issue of my comfort level. I like my privacy, our house is very small and it's not really set up to accommodate another person. Our second bedroom serves as a really large closet with clothing racks, boxes and a small bed. The closet is also the one my husband uses for his clothing. Our third bedroom is actually our den/office where my computer and TV are located and, right now, there's no seating other than my desk chair. Are you getting the picture? The house needs work...lots of work...and it's just not ready to house another person.
So, my question is...am I being selfish? My husband is very supportive of me and tells me he will tell his nephew "we're sorry but no" if that's what I want. What I'd really like is to have a really big home with a nice guest room but that's just not going to happen. I'm usually a really thoughtful person (honest) but right now I feel like I need to look after my needs first and that means my need for privacy rules...and that's making me feel guilty as heck!
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9 comments:
I don't think you are being selfish. Sometimes we need our privacy, and have to take care of ourselves first. My sister and 9 year old nephew live with me and although I like them living here and I love them to pieces, sometimes I just need a break. If nothing else, maybe you can help him find a place?
Joan,
I certainly know plenty about feeling guilty over you-name-it, but this sounds like a huge commitment to make. I would vote no, and let hubby tell him "sorry but no."
Like you said, if you had a really big house and plenty of guest room space it might be a different story.
I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're being realistic about this. For you to make this work it's going to take more work than you're willing to put into it...and I don't think you're being unreasonable about your belief that he's not gonna have an easier time finding someplace else if he's already got comfy accomidations with you.
Perhaps if you have the time you can help him locate a place, but you have every right to want your privacy.
No need to feel selfish for taking care of your own needs. In general women tend to feel more guilty than men about taking care of some needs.
I agree with what Renee said about helping him locate a place if you have the time.
I think you need to find him a place to live in the area.
Some people say "Remember the Alamo". I say to you "Remember Chuck?"
One option: Give him a time limit, say two weeks, and deal with it. He won't likely be all that comfortable in your "closet anyway.
Whatever you decide, you need to do only what you can. To feel like your house has been invaded is not an option.
Per our phone conversation...If he was a minor child in need of a new home, I would say...heck, just send him to my house. However, he is not a minor child, he is an adult male...if you or hubby can find the time, try to help him find a place.
Iamthe bookworm: What a great sister and aunt you are. I hope they know how lucky they are.
Patti: Thanks for your encouraging words.
Renee: You're so right about making it too comfy for him...that's my husband's primary concern.
Patches: Yes, I agree women tend to be more nurturing. I may not have children but I'm sure it's my maternal instincts which are causing my guilty feelings.
Only oldest: Not surprisingly, Chuck actually came to my mind when Hubby and I were discussing the issue.
Meno: Thanks for your support. I agree that "feeling invaded" isn't an option for me.
Lynn: If Nephew was a child, we would absolutely find a way to take him in. But another adult in this house just isn't feasible.
Everyone: Although we haven't yet told Nephew our decision not to take him in, Hubby and I are working on trying to help him find a place. The local university has an online off-campus housing database which we are going to suggest he look at. In addition, we may offer some financial help. Thanks to all of you for your support.
Don't feel that you are being selfish for not wanting to take him in. You are not set up for it and even if you were your privacy is priceless. We all need our own space. I agree, find a place for him elsewhere.
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